Mallows, Receipts, and Confusing Things I Will Never Understand

So Deirdre went to CVS the other day. Bought TWO things. TWO THINGS! Toilet Paper and chapstick or something and...her receipt was almost as long as her arm!



Is it necessary? Seriously, I don't care about the coupons attached for 25 cents off a Jolly Rancher pack or a buy one Bounty Quilted Quicker Picker Upper get the second one free. And I don't need to be told that they appreciate my business and that they hope I come back. I KNOW they want my business! They are a STORE!

And speaking of absurd things...is THIS necessary?




I mean it wouldn't even fit into a mug for hot cocoa! (btw: do people even do that anymore or am I still living in 1994? Has it moved to whipped cream only for a Hot Cocoa topping?)

Anyway, I am not trying to go all Morgan Spurlock on you but....WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SUPER-SIZED? A small receipt is fine (no receipt is even better), one normal mallow is fine.... a Gulp will be more than I can take...


It's gotten out of control!

It's probably all his fault.

THANK YOU NO-NOTES

So, I got a very sweet thank you note in the mail. I want to say thank you for the thank you note...but what if I make mine even sweeter...then she will have to send me a thank you note to say thanks for sending me an even sweeter thank you note. And then what if what she says something in that thank you note that warrants a thank you from me.....AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What if I just don't send a thank you note back but then I see her face to face..... I guess what I normally would say is, "Thank you for the thank you note." But I am just starting to realize it sounds weird. You see, what if I say, "Thank you for the thank you note." And she responds, "You are welcome." Then if I go one and say, "What you said at the end was so thoughtful." She will have to say, "Thank you." And then what if she pulls one out of the bag and says, "Well you deserve it" -- or some shit like that. GULP. I know where this is going! I will then have to respond "No no...(and do the obligatory trail off into "humble no no" land -- during this awkward "no no" time I will probably shake my head or even raise my hand or something lame to stop the praise....human beings are so weird.)" As my no's fall off into space, she will catch onto this attempt to not accept a compliment and interrupt my no nos and go, "no no you do." and THEN I will have to say, "well, thanks..."

Hey, by the way...thanks for reading, k?

ps Instead of "No No" I could have said "Oh Stop" and then I'd really hit the deep end of lameness.

Organic Lollipops

My Landlord John...

She Had No Idea...And Neither Did He.

Stumbled upon this moment yesterday. Left me speechless.

 

 

 

POPPERS

My Landlord John eats Jalapeno Poppers frozen. He takes a bag of them to the movies and slowly nibbles on them throughout the show. By the time the end credits roll, some are even ready to eat like a normal popper. Intense.


Here is a video I made of my experience driving in the car with him.


The man's intense.

Four costume changes at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party:

One

Two

Three

Four


Recently, we took him out for his birthday. Before we left we asked how old he was turning and he responded, "I think 63, but I think I have been celebrating my 63rd birthday for 3 years." Puzzled I simply asked, "Well, let me see your driver's license." He pulled it out and handed it to me as if it was the first time it had ever been taken out of his wallet or he had looked at it for that matter. "You are 63 this year, John!" I exclaimed. He just shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Oh, shit. Well, OK!" And just like him, his birthday was Intense.



Making verbal notes into his dictophone.


He is the most Intense Individual in my books.

I now leave you with the happiest picture ever. If you have a HPE and would like to contribute to the HPE photo documentation please send my way via the world wide web. Each month I will post another happiest photo ever. If you don't own one...please take one and send it my way as well.


This one is a close second. Also taken at the ugly sweater party:


Good evening from up in the sky. The view is great from here.

We Are The World

When I saw the original Japanese version of Human Tetris for the first time I was floored! Unreal! The game was so bizarre and hilarious I never thought the Japanese could top it with anything funnier. -- EVER!

Well... they did.

Recently, Conor Lastowka emailed me this video produced by some Japanese individuals that has left me in tears.

They took 1985's claim to fame song: We Are The World and spun it in their own special way.

If you are scratching your head going, "We Are The Whaaaaat?" Let me refresh your memory. WATW was produced by Quincy Jones* and written by Michael Jackson and Grandpa Lionel Richie to raise money for Ethiopia. (*Most people give all the credit to Michael Jackson for helming the song but QJ was the main man behind it.) Sometimes I seriously feel bad for Quincy. Sometimes. Then I remember the Grammies. If you don't thank Quincy Jones (even if he didn't help you out that year) you are dead to music. I think that's how it goes but I am paraphrasing.

Anyway, back to WATW....Here is the original version. WORTH IT TO WATCH THROUGH FOR ADDED HUMOR LATER!



NOW!!!!!

ENJOY!

Thank you Japan...again!!!

Not So Innocent

Courtney's friend Ash took a picture of this ingredient list for a smoothie he came across up in LA. They call it "The Innocent Smoothie". This is very very bad for the rubber duck community.


Someone is not happy about the news.